Consistently Inconsistent
Sitting on my bed in the semi late hours of a frosty January night I got that feeling,you know the one where it starts off as a small niggle and then grows and grows until that inner voice starts yelling. I knew I should have been doing something more productive than scrolling through online videos, but I had fallen down that hole of watching cats versus cucumbers. Really mind numbing stuff. Unlike every other niggling feeling I'd had as of late, on this occasion I tuned in to the gut feeling, I put the phone down and pulled the laptop out from beneath the bed. I sat staring into the black screen for what seemed like a lifetime, feeling frustrated and either a little shy or embarrassed- it's hard to determine which one, perhaps a mix of both unsettling feelings. You see, I want to write, I need to write, writing is and has been for several years now, my escape. Similar to those individuals who lose themselves in a book or in drawing, writing is my freedom. It doesn't matter whether it's a blog post, an essay, a journal entry or something that rhymes, when the moment strikes to write,it brings a deep rooted feeling of joy and satisfaction. I always likened it to tuning in to my "true self" deep into my core.
So dear Reader, you can imagine on this particular dark January night when nothing sprung to mind to write, I became frustrated and a little sad. In an attempt to encourage inspiration I traced my fingers across the small black squares, noticing a light residue of dust on the keyboard, another pang of guilt highlighting it had been several months since I wrote something. With a heavy sigh I sat back on the bed, leaning my head against the cold wall deep in thought. I had promised myself I would be better you see, I told myself I would commit to writing more regularly, start posting blogs more often, I convinced myself that I'd make a real effort to commit. Sitting on the bed with the laptop silently sat on my lap I felt a growing lump in my throat, I had let myself down. Now here is the surprising part, rather than feel disappointed in myself my mind reacted in a slightly more defensive way - it made a joke. I thought to myself "at least I'm consistent" and sniggered, "consistently inconsistent more like". Alas like the Red Sea parted for Moses, suddenly the way was clear, my fingers started tapping away on the keyboard and here we are.
Consistently inconsistent is a perfect way to describe myself. In many areas of my life I am very accountable, sadly it's not the areas that bring a whole lot of joy, just a surface level of accomplishment. For example, every night I set my alarm for the following day to wake much earlier than normal, yet every morning I get out of bed at the same time, much later than the previous nights intention. I have enough time to get dressed and ready myself for work, I pack my bag and spend a few minutes cuddling with my son before I have to dash out the door, flask of hot coffee in hand while running down the road to catch the bus. An ideal morning would consist of getting up perhaps an hour or two earlier (like the set alarm clock), do the usual things in the morning, eat breakfast with a hot cup of coffee and spend quality time with my son before leaving the house in a much calmer manner compared to the frantic exit of my current reality.
Another example for you dear Reader and I have a feeling some of you will relate. I give 100% effort when I am at my place of work, I enjoy my job so I am happy to give it my full commitment when I'm there. I work hard and I'm proud of the work that I do but I give so much effort while Im at work that I am depleted by the time I get home. I come home and eat dinner, spend time playing with my son before we head into the bedtime routine and by the time he's asleep I barely have the energy to do anything other than fall down on the bed. Some evenings I have felt so mentally depleted that I can hardly hold a conversation and would be fast asleep before 9pm. An ideal scenario would be to manage my energy output and make it a habit to do something that I enjoy in the evenings such as writing on here or doing something creative but the current reality is, I am so consistently inconsistent I cannot commit to a good habit and rather get stuck in a circle of making a plan to change, doing said plan for 1 to 2 days, forgetting by day 3 and falling back into the trap of depleting all my creative juices by day 4.
Arriving at this conclusion of being programmed this way has opened up my eyes, it has triggered my thought process and prompted me to relook at several areas of my life and perhaps re-evaluate certain values and priorities. There is kink in the chain for certain, the optimist in me feels it's only a temporary kink, the pessimist in me however is saying "give it a few days and you'll have forgotten all about it".
Self-understanding is tricky ground to move through but something requires change and it will take a bit more digging and deep thinking to get on the right path.
After all life is a learning journey and where we choose to expel our energy is our own decision, it's imperative I remember this and live by it. Thank you for being here with me Reader on this journey of self discovery, I feel different, a good different, I feel like I'm in the driver's seat and autopilot has been disabled.
Long may it last.
