When maternity leave ends...

So much has happened since I last wrote on here. Atlas is now nine months old. Can you believe I have an almost one year old as we are heading into the last quarter of the year. People always say the time goes so fast when you have kids but I didn't realise just how true that statement is. Time is a thief.

My maternity leave has ended and I am now a working Mama. It's a strange feeling to be back at work. I'm the same person as I was when I finished up, but at the same time I'm a totally different person, if that even makes sense. It's mind boggling. Looking back, on the surface I was probably a bit stone faced and cold towards others pre- pregnancy, I know during my pregnancy journey I remarked on several occasions how I felt being pregnant had "softened" me as a person, tears which were once a rare occurance on my face became almost a permanent feature as my emotions soared sky high with the surge of hormones. Now on my return to work I feel a lot more compassion towards others, I feel kinder and friendlier, I sort of have the view that everyone is someone's baby (I'm sure this will wear off over time). After years of living and breathing my job and failing at every attempt to leave work at work, I now finally have a very clear understanding that although work is part of my life and I will give it 100% effort when at work, it's not my priority anymore. My small human at home is now and always will be one of the most important people in my life. Getting myself ready to return to work was a challenge to say the least because nothing and I repeat NOTHING prepares you for the sadness you feel knowing your uninterrupted time with your baby is coming to an end. For me, those last few weeks before we reached the "end date" were very tough. We did all this work and preparation in anticipation for our little ones arrival but then nothing readies you for how hard it is to leave your baby. I was very overwhelmed in the weeks leading up to the "end date", I felt very sad and lonely to be leaving my little man. We had spent every day together for his whole life and now I wouldn't be around him all day long. I worried that I'd miss out on special moments and milestones. I was mad at myself that I hadn't used the maternity time off to create another stream of income so I could have worked from home, (I was naive enough to think maternity leave was going to be like "holiday" time off. Oh how wrong I was!). I felt an overwhelming guilt that I wouldn't be there for when he cried Iooking for me. I felt jealous that he might create a bond with someone else, replacing me. Would he wonder why I left? Would he notice I wasn't there? Would he be distressed when he cries for me and I'm not there to comfort him like I always have? It was very hard trying to understand and work through all these thoughts and worries and mixed in with all those emotions I was also very aware that I didn't want my last few weeks to be filled with all this sadness and worry because it was stealing away those precious moments we had together every day. In the end I did manage to pull myself together. I worked on reframing my mindset to look at the benefits of having a steady income, how it would feel for myself to earn some money again and also to be able to provide for anything Atlas might need. I took control of the situation by initiating the conversation with my work to discuss my return. The last thing I wanted was to be on the recieving end of a text, email or phone call asking when I was coming back because I knew what effect that would have had bursting my loved up maternity bubble. I practiced mindfulness and gratitude and learnt how to stay present in the moment so I didn't spend my last few days wrapped in sadness and anxiety. It was still at the back of my mind but it didn't steal any more time from us. The mindfulness kept me present, the gratitude helped me to see how blessed I am in my life and appreciate everyone and everything which in turn made me enjoy every day even more and it also took the sting out of returning to work life. As I write this I have now completed one full month back at work and everyday has felt a little bit easier, day by day I'm getting more used to being away from my son, some days are harder than others but we keep moving forward. I'm starting to feel my brain is becoming more engaged, it's crazy how some parts of the brain feel clouded or foggy after having a baby. Baby brain is a real thing! There have been days where I could only focus on the task infront of me and nothing else. There have also been days where I couldn't repeat back a single thing I had done in that day and now I feel a slight shift, I feel I can toggle more things in my head while also holding a conversation and my memory is improving every day. Sometimes though it feels a bit like rehab for the brain, being a working mama is a wild journey! I have lots of content that I want to share with you all, stored away in many nooks and crannies, so watch this space as I find a new rhythm to write while also juggling a baby that still doesn't sleep, trying to kick the "maternity baby brain" and see through the fog while I settle back into work and discover this new me. Thanks for reading. Speak soon.